the silence

It’s so quite yet speaks volumes

Its empty and so vast

It’s nothing yet everything

I cant help but feel so fucking alone at the moment.

I feel unmotivated. I feel lazy for not achieving. I feel so much let so little is let out.

I can’t speak. My voice goes silent & my brain on overdrive. Frustration builds because all I wish for is to scream. To cry. To laugh. or just show any emotion outwards. But it’s just silent, nothing more nothing less.

My silence isn’t the kind people wish for. Peace and quite, its not ten minutes downtime or anything like that. The silence I have is where internally it’s just constant noise. It’s all inside all this energy just waiting and building up to erupt out. For now, it’s just bubbling away. How do you speak when all that comes out is “I’m fine” & “I’m doing good”. The lies we speak to ourselves and others. For what? For me burdening others just isn’t an option. I’ve always delt with my shit on my own. It’s a hard habit to break and let others in on.

So, in Silence I remain, and I can’t complain or blame of my own doing. I can only change or keep going. But how do you change a habit of a lifetime. Built in place to stop you speaking out. Because you were told “it’s the last time, I’ll change” “No one needs to know it will be our secret” you’re taught when little that what’s happening is just normal and as you grow you learn otherwise. It becomes difficult. You feel ashamed and stupid for thinking things from your past were normal. You Protect yourself, go silent. Hide the pain away and bury it deep. But it just bubbles away.

You’re told time heals. Maybe for open wounds but mine cut deep inside. They don’t seem to heal, not with time.

Time passes and anniversaries go by. It will have been 2 years November. Still Hurts like yesterday. I had this crazy expectation id be over it in 6months. Well that passed quickly. A year maybe? Flew by. With 2 years approaching which feels at lightning speed. I feel I can’t breathe. SO much has happened, but nothing has changed inside.

I rarely speak of that night. People grow tired of hearing your fears and late-night cries. I’m scared to walk alone. The dark haunts me. I think I see him everywhere. I constantly watch my back. I fear judgement of speaking my truth and spreading awareness. I fear for who could come next. I wish I could do more, but how can I repair when I’m already a mess. I fear the doctors for what I experienced there after. I avoid the news incase I hear stories of others. I fear you’ll come by or ill see you somewhere. I’m frighten of my own mind that plays tricks of that night. I’m scared to love or to be loved. I’m scare to trust because you broke mine so easily. I fear ill never be the same, but I guess that’s good in one way or another. For I wont trust so willingly or love as hard as I did. I won’t think the best of people because you showed me not all are.

Not all men are bad I just got unlucky I guess…

Haven’t spoken with my biological father since I was 18, last I saw him I was 15/16. That plays on my mind. Would I know if he died? Would I care? Does he care for me? Obviously not or he’d speak with me? Does her remember I exist? Does he know how great I am doing and what I’ve achieved after everything he did? Does he know what he did and how damaging that was to me as a child? Does he deserve my thoughts, my energy?

I just don’t know if I’m happy. Suppose questioning it is an answer in itself. But why not? What can I change? Why can I just be Fucking Happy for once.

I feel so fucking alone.

Time healed nothing.

Fuck done with human’s false hope sayings. Time will heal, Karma will get them, This storm will pass, cant have a rainbow without rain. Its bullshit, keep your bullshit hope. Shit things happen always! To good people who don’t deserve shit. Hope changes nothing for them just makes the person saying it feel like they are being helpful.

If karma was true what did i do as a child to deserve all that.

How about just saying yeah, its shit. That’s it, it’s just shit and that wasn’t your fault you didn’t deserve that. But I’m here for you and don’t go silent.

I just wish someone would say you ok, like are you really ok because heavy shit happened and your likely to still be carrying that weight daily. Let me just hold this for you for a while. You need a break too.

I just wish I wasn’t alone in a world with 7.6 billion people and it might as well just be me.

My silence is like the sunrising early in the morning peeking through the curtains. Unwanted. Too much too soon. Just five more minutes of sleep but, the sun doesn’t stop for no one and neither does my silence.

M x

Take care & be safe

Things I struggle to say out loud.

I don’t know how else to put this other than blunt.I couldn’t keep holding in all this and I didn’t know who to turn to and the weight of it all is dragging me down. It’s consuming my life and headspace so if I share it I’m hoping it will stop draining me.

-I don’t admit how much I struggle still after all this time with my Sexual assault. So many fucking triggers.

I stopped medication and I feel im slipping to old ways but im too stubborn and determined to let meds be my only solution. I don’t want to be a zombie. I want to be me just without the demons.

⁃ I remembered recently after being on the phone to my actual doctor when I was a child this boy used to pretend to be my doctor and “fix me”. Told me I needed it to be good. I was 9-10. He’d undress me and finger me and put things in me. He was a 14. I think this is maybe why I have such a fear of doctors.

⁃ As a kid I used hide in the wardrobe from my dad (step dad) from hurting me.

⁃ He broke a door on me because I wouldnt let him in my room and hit me.

⁃ I used to wet myself at primary school yr 4 (8-9) because scared to go home always at the end of the day.

⁃ In my lessons I used to act up and was always labelled as a naughty kid but looking back now i know It was just cos I struggling with home life and Biological father.

⁃ How i met My biological father was kinda weird. He just started playing with me at the park I didn’t even know My step dad wasn’t my birth father. It was quite a shock. I was 7.

⁃ I never felt equal to my little sister I was always useless and unwanted

⁃ As I child I used to sit at the top of the stairs whilst the rest of my family (mum, dad and sister) where down stairs laughing and think they wouldn’t miss me if I died. (10yrs old+ and did this for years) used to just cried that I didn’t feel loved. I’m sure they heard me but never came to see me.

⁃ I was made to give a boy 6 years older than me to give him a blow job I was 13. I didn’t want to but he always made me feel like I had to if I was to be loved. He held my head so I could move away till he came in my mouth. Then tell me I had to swallow it otherwise no one would like me and he’d leave me.

⁃ I got myself into such messes with boys to feel “loved” and get attention.

⁃ I was such a angry kid I threw big tantrums and fits where I’d throw stuff and scream. How I was dealt with was to just be locked like actually locked in my room till the morning.

⁃ Dad (step) once was in a really bad mood from work and took it out on me threw my dinner on the floor. I went hungry that night and was sent to my room. I did nothing wrong.

⁃ Biological father once had a bunch of his druggy friends over in the flat and he walked out and left me with all these strangers. I was scared I was 11.

⁃ He also once got mad at me a smashed a plate at my feet. I had no shoes on I had to walk over it as he left the flat in a mood. I can’t remember what it was about. I just remember my feet hurting from cuts of plate shards. I lied to mum about what happened so he didn’t get in trouble.

⁃ I saw porn from the age of 7. Biological father used to watch it when he was high and leave it on while I was there. So I saw it all the time.

⁃ No one believed me when I said Biological father was doing drugs I had to bring it home once to prove what he was doing. I got interviewed by the police and questions made me feel like I was the guilty one for bringing it home.

⁃ I knew before I brought it home that it would be the last time I went to my biological fathers so I packed my belongings and brought them home. That was tough.

⁃ Everything else I had there he threw in the bin in anger.

⁃ My biological father stalked me off my school bus once I was 13 and so scared. This was after I told mum and brought the drugs home. He was waiting for me at my bus stop. I had to get back on and ask the drive to drop me off outside my home. I ran so fast in the door. He came around shouting and banging on the door so mad that I wouldn’t get in the car and go with him. I was so scared to get the bus after mum had to take me into school for the next few months. We had to call the police to get Him to leave. Before he came to my house he followed my friends questioning them about me. They didn’t know that Step dad wasn’t my birth dad. I had a lot of explaining to do. Felt so ashamed and guilty that he’d chased them too.

Told ya was to the point.

M x

The words unspoken.

It hurts

It hurts to think I trusted you.
It hurts to think I let you into my life.
It hurts to think I treated you like family.

You took that trust and you fucked just like when you fucked me unwilling.

You tore my jeans,
You broke my belt,
You forced your way in,
You kept going, going and going.
Despite tears,
The resistance,
Despite it all…
You kept going.

It hurts now just like it did back then.
It hurts
It hurts
It fucking hurts!

You monster. You unspeakable evil, fucking awfully, cruel monster. I can’t call you human because what you did that day, that night, in that place, to me, was not human. You’re a rapist. To me and the girl before me. I bloody hope I’m the last of your list too. You fucking monster.

You hurt me.
You hurt me so much.
Now I hurt me because of the unspeakable things you did that day, that night, in that place.

You ruined sex
You ruined my mind
You ruined me, physically and mentally.
You ruined every part of me I knew.

My body won’t heal because my mind is broken.

It’s on a loop.
At night, in the day.
In that place, that night, that day what you did taunts me a lot.
I close my eyes and I see what happens.
It replays. On a loop. At night, in the day.

I see you. One hand on my neck the other on my shoulder. My face pressed into the desk. The tears running down my face. I’m Barely breathing from your grip.
My only movement it from your force. You don’t stop for what feels forever.

My ripped jeans
My broken belt
My broken trust
My broken self

You did that. For what?
5 minutes of power
Can’t of be pleasure surely?

As I stayed pinned down and you push into me.
I said nothing because no wasn’t enough to make you stop.
I said nothing because stop no longer had meaning to you.
I said nothing because I was scared. I had no power, fear took over.

I hurt because of you and you raping me.
I hurt because I don’t recognise the person I see in the mirror.
I hurt because I feel I don’t own my body.
I hurt because I feel claimed.
I hurt because I am lost.
I hurt because it hurts.

It hurts because I trusted you.
It hurts to think I let you into my life.
It hurts to think I treated you like family.

Thanks if you read this far.

M x

The past year…

Hey you,

How’ve your been? Taking care of you? I hope so! please be warned this may have triggering topics for some. (It’s a long one)

It’s been a while. I’ve not been sure what to write. It’s been a Rocky few months well, few years but in particular the last year, full of ups and downs, tears and hurt. But I feel now is a appropriate time for a update in my journey, my story, my life.

Yesterday was my 1 year anniversary. 21/11/2020

I put so much pressure on to this milestone. I made it a unrealistic goal, I see that now. But I needed something back then to hope for. I told myself a year and everything would be fine. Because I felt so not fine. That I would be fixed like magic because, I needed something to look forward to because, how I was feeling was devastated, broken, robbed and just pure hurt. I have never felt so lost as I have since then (until now). I hoped that a year would be enough to stop hurting. But as the months counted down and I was getting nowhere. I felt the grasp of hope slipping from me. It took me time to realise that there isn’t a set date or any amount of time to heal. I know that now, I didn’t then. But I was desperate. I’ve been so hard on myself to just act ok and get on with life when reality is I’m still healing and hurting every single day. I am still struggling. I still cry and morn for the Person I lost that day. A part of me died. But, little did I know A new part of me was being born and raised…

I’ve chosen from this horrible, tragic, awful act that happened to me and so many millions of people around the world to fuel my fire to fight back and make a change. To stand up for myself and all the people who don’t feel they can yet. To hold and nurture and just love and except and listen to those who are and have struggled.

I want to make my misfortune into something that creates change. Change for those who feel lonely. For those who struggle. For those who need a shoulder. For those who just need someone listen to them and hear them. For those of any need to help in any way I can.

To show love and compassion. I want to stand with survivors for surviving all we have been through. In all its shapes and forms. To protect and teach the future generations while supporting the current generation too❤️

I want to teach sex etiquette. I want to change women being sexual objects. I want to change how rape is treated and it’s survivor blame culture. I want to change the taboo around rape. I want to change so much with you for you and me.

But I wouldn’t be so passionate if it wasn’t for what I went through. So This is how my year went…

November

The month I was raped. The month where my world felt it was falling apart. I was a mess and complete and utter mess with no hope and completely lost. I felt so broken and damaged and hurt. I couldn’t recognise myself. I’d see my face in the mirror but not know the person looking back at myself. I cried every day for weeks. The kinda cry where you can’t breathe. Where you just hit rock bottom. I was in such a dark place and I couldn’t even think that there would ever be a light again.

I was still working at the place I was assaulted. I was questioned by my parents, as I worked for them. I had to have formal meetings about what happened. Explain it all in detail only three days after it happened. I was so hard. I couldn’t function and I was a shell of a person.

December

On the 6th of December I had a examination at the doctors as I was in lots of physical pain and was hurting a lot. This was so challenging and traumatic. I couldn’t do it. I was so shamed and embarrassed of my situation and the fact I had to get help because I was so unwell and struggling. I was so angry I couldn’t even fix myself.

I had someone with me who I ended up crying in her arms while I was examined. I couldn’t undo my own clothing. I couldn’t sit on the bed. I couldn’t do anything I just cried and broke down. It felt like a second wave. But I knew it was needed.

Christmas was so difficult. I didn’t feel like celebrating. I had nothing to celebrate. I spent the whole time trying not to cry. I looked back at the photos while writing this and I can just see how much I was hurting. How little sleep I was getting. How empty I was.

January

Left working at my old full time job which I did love and enjoy but it wasn’t good for me to stay working in the place where I was raped. It was awful. Everyday I could just see him and what he did to me. So I left and did my cheffing full time that I was doing part time.

February

To cut a very long story I ended up becoming a temp head chef under new management which changed November. It was the best time of my life doing what I loved but also nearly killed me with the hours. I was already tired and emotionally drained but I just pushed through until it eventually broke me and I couldn’t get up or move. I had to leave not only because of my situation but because of the new management which was ruining a place a loved and called home. She was a terrible boss but a lovely human in reality. The day of my of my examination I had work and I went in not long after my appointment and I just broke down In my bosses arms. She listened and was truly amazing was willing to support me in what ever I decided. So although she ruined the pub she is a wonderful Human who I hold dearly to my heart along with many other important people in my life. (But I’ll get to them soon)

So I left In search of my next adventure…

March

My birthday- didn’t feel the same. Wasn’t wanting to think about me or for others to notice me. I just wanted to hide from the world and all it’s evil. Luckily for me we went into lockdown so I had a excuse to be alone.

Lockdown for me like so many was so incredibly hard. I was alone with my thoughts and they drowned me in sorrow. But it gave me time to heal and rest. Which I never gave myself before.

For a long time I’ve had been looking for a therapist that worked right for me. Quite a few later I met the loveliest human ever in the month of March.

All hope was not lost.

I am so grateful to have her in my life. She is my complete and utter rock. It’s taken me a long time to trust her and she’s stayed close the whole time. Words can truly not express how important you are to me. How much I truly appreciate you. Thank you for all you are and all you bring out in me. Thank you for helping me feel more human and more alive. For reminding me in dark times that you are always there and that I’m safe. Thank you my lovely. I would not be who I’m am becoming if it wasn’t for you. I look forward to a future spent with you by my side. 💙

April, may, June and July where kind of a blur of lock down and not a lot going on.

August & September and October

Started a new cheffing job. It was so tough to be working with men again and being the only full time working woman I found challenging. I was constantly looking over my shoulder and scared. I found the hours long and exhausting. I was getting to tired and making myself ill again. But I pushed on because I loved the job, the buzz and being back in the kitchen. I was learning so much and it was incredible.

Worked through September. Shaved part of my hair because I thought a change would help me start to love myself. I was wrong… I like the hair just not me 😂.

Left at the start of October because of a sport injury which I needed time to rest and repair. Which was double sad as netball was soon to be starting again soon (stopped because of covid) which I couldn’t par take in until the last two games just before second lockdown when I felt I had mended enough to play.

And that brings us up to November this year.

Obviously my year was slightly more detailed than that but that’s the key parts in summary or this would be a very long blog.

The past 20 days count down to the anniversary was so difficult I was dreading what I didn’t know. I was scared for a year to have flown by and feel that I hadn’t really done much or felt any different.

Yesterday (21st (anniversary date)) I worked all day at my latest job and I got through it. I woke up and powered through. I made it through my shift. But the second I stepped out the door to come home it was like a wave of emotion hit me. This feeling of sadness hit me like a tonne of bricks. My act of feeling okay and holding it together no longer had to be. I could be me and just feel the hurt that I held in. I got home and just distanced from everyone and just sat alone for a while. I cried and sobbed and hurt felt my pain. I cried and cried and cried. I was joined by a very important person and she just held me.

Now this woman has always had my back, fought my corner and was always my biggest supporter. We have been through so much. She has quite literally saved my life on several occasions. She always held my hand never let go. She’s wipe far to many of my tears. You are so important to me and my journey. I thank you so much for everything you have do for me and everything you are to me. I love you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family. I treasure you.

For my beautiful fiancé. I love you. Thank you for always being with me and by my side. Thank you for being so understanding, patience and respectful. I’m sorry we suffered for this. I’m sorry you are so angry and how we where robbed. I’m sorry for your hurt and for you seeing me hurt. We are so strong and I love you with all my heart. I adore you.

And for the newest adventure in my life which is so exciting. I can’t want to make change with you for all the fellow survivors out there. We maybe only just getting to know each other. But the timing is so perfect for both of us. I’m grateful to be apart of your mission. I look forward to what our future has installed.

This year has been so difficult. I couldn’t of done it without the amazing women in my life. Thank you all. I love you.

I appreciate every single one of you.

I still have a long way to go but recovery isn’t a destination it’s a journey and this is mine so far.

If you are struggling with anything I’ve spoken about or anything at all please do message me or seek help in the helplines provided on my page.

Take care my lovelies.

All the best and thank you for reading.

M x

Dealing or not?

I am not a victim for still hurting. I am not a victim because I still cry and I’m not “over it” like it’s the common cold. I’m not healed and I’m not holding on to what happened. You can’t just forget, it’s not that simple.

I’m just not ok. I’m just not the same. I don’t think I’ll ever be the person I was before that day again.

I am not a victim Because I talk about what happened. I am not a victim because I still have nightmares and I’m still terrified of the world and how cruel it can be.

I am not a victim. I am broken, I am hurting, I am struggling, I maybe am a lot of things but I do not victimise myself.

I wish I could of done more. I wish the circumstances where different. I wish I wasn’t so alone because I’m expected to just get “over it” and “move on”. It’s not that easy, nothing is.

You think I like the sleepless nights, being on edge constantly, fear of who’s around the corner, fear of being a woman on my own in public. Think I enjoy the flash backs. The Constant reminders. The thought of even hearing his name scares me. Seeing him, knowing he’s near makes me so unbelievably terrified I can’t even explain. You think I love the self torcher? The endless fear and hurting. Well, reality check for you, it’s fucking awful. All I would like is for it to stop. Have I not suffered enough? Then for you to then tell me to “forget it” like it’s just a pint a milk I forgot to get while at the shop. Like it’s not important. Like it isn’t completely life changing. !!!

This is my battle not yours. I’ll fight me demons how I’d like to because you just don’t understand. I’m glad you don’t in a way because the only way you would understand the destroying and degrading feelings is to go through what I have. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone because it’s fucking awful.

So take your victim words back because, I am not one! I fought fucking hard to stay here when I was so low and desperate. I fought fucking hard to stay strong when I didn’t think I could anymore. I comfort myself in the nights of terror and fear. I may not be “fixed” but what happened has changed me, it broke me. You can’t perfectly repair the broken just make do with the mend.

I will never be the woman I was before that day. I will never look at men in the same way. I will never trust people fully again.

I survived a awful thing what gives anyone else the right to say I’m a victim for complaining. That I cling on to what happened. You fucking go through that and tell me how it doesn’t crush you, break you bloody destroy you. Fucking flip your world upside down and take so much away from you.

So fuck you for telling me how to cope with my trauma, my shit!

I’m sorry if this is blunt. It’s not directed at anyone as such just at the pressures online of ‘recovery’.

Thanks for reading.

M x

Insta- @be.strong_be.brave_be.powerful

It is what it is…

Fuck, this is so hard. I don’t know how to explain why or what about. But it’s just so complicated. Or that’s the excuse I give for so much when I just don’t know how I feel or explain the emotions.

But it is what it is.

What happened has happened. It’s been nearly 5 month. Yet hurts as much as if it was yesterday. Hurt doesn’t even describe how it feel, it’s so much more than hurt, but we will roll with it. I can’t change it. Didn’t want it but have to accept it. Because i fear it’s consuming me. Everyday there’s a trigger that takes me back to that day. Every night I’m in fear of the nightmares, the panic attacks and the waking up drenched in sweat from reliving what happened.

I’m so confused. I don’t understand. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to process. I just don’t fucking know.

And the truth is, no one knows. There is no cure. No magic wand to fix everything. It’s just me and my mind battling it out till one side wins.

Read between those lines and you’ll know how shite I feel. How alone, how desperate I am for a escape. Not everyone can win a battle. Someone has to lose for someone to win.

I just can’t… Life. Not like this.

Sorry to be so depressing especially with everything else going on. I know my problems aren’t important in the grand scheme of things. Trust me I know. I’ve been beating myself up for ages about even considering writing this. Like how dare I complain when there are thousands of people dying. Then have the audacity to wish my life away. How fucking dare I. But, that’s how I feel. Trust me it’s not enjoyable. If I could fix me I would. But I can’t. I don’t know how. And that’s why I write. It’s my outlet. I have no choice in how I am, you have the choice not to read. So if it offends choose not to.

This is not going so well.

So I wrote this last week and now have come back to it. As it was saved into my drafts. I haven’t changed it or really reread it. I’m leaving it as is. Becuase life can’t be edited. Life can’t be altered once it’s done. So why should this be when it’s about life. I was conflicted to post it or not. But this is my journey this is how I felt and that’s okay. I can’t hide the shitty times or I’ll just be lying to myself.

The last week has been awful. Especially yesterday. I went to a dark place and now I’m paying for it. I deserve that. My body hurts. I’m exhausted both physically and mentally. I feel guilty for my actions even thou I know I loose control and the world just blurs I don’t think rationally and do stupid shit. It’s not a excuse it’s a explanation. I hurt people close to me and that tears me up.

However, today’s another day. I’ve got to take care of myself and loved ones. Focus on steps forward. I can’t change the past, any of it. So for now, in this mindset (as it changes so much) I’m gonna make more of a effort to look forward and make choices that are for me. To make the best me. Cos I’m tired of hurting. Not understand and being caught up on that is hurting me. I won’t ever know. I wont ever understand. I won’t ever hear you say your sorry. Tbh I don’t want to becuase it wouldn’t be enough.

So as of today 24th April 2020. I’m gonna try harder to look forward. To be strong even if I don’t feel it. To appreciate me and my body/mind for all it’s flaws. because the future I can change I can impact how it pans out. I may have bad days. I may feel like giving up. I may take a million steps back but as long as I stand back up that’s what matters.

I’m sorry to all those I hurt. I caused worry. I bothered in a time of desperation. I appreciate you and I’m grateful you took the time to deal with me and my shit during this very stressful time.

I wish you all good health and safety.

Take care and all the best,

M x

No Means NO!

Last time I posted (sept 2019), I had no idea what the next few months had installed for me. If I knew then what I know now… I’d would of made sure I wasn’t alive for it. But I guess that why we don’t see the future. Because, the “what’s next” is always worse than you can imagine. I found out first hand, yes it does get worst. A hella lot worse.

21st November 2019 at approx 6pm. I was raped by someone I knew since I was 11, now nearly 20. 9 years of friendship. 2 years of working in the family business, treated like one of our own. You where like my brother. We fought like siblings but got on like a house on fire. 9 years you threw away for a couple of minutes. To feel some power. To feel my fear that fuelled your fantasies. I hope you feel like such a man as you left me there. Didn’t dare look back to see all the damage you caused, all the pain you produced. Left me wondering why you did what you did. A million questions raced through my head. “What just happened” “what did I do to deserve this” “was this my fault” “will people believe me”. I feared I was going to loose everything for something I never wanted.

I was in shock for hours, days even. I carried on as normal. I went to work the next day, you where there. I was so scared, so jumpy. You didn’t look me in the eye. Like you knew what you had done. Like you could see the pain you caused.

I lost all trust for everyone. You made me feel like the smallest, most inferior person alive. I was no longer me, I felt claimed. My body still doesn’t feel mine. I cant look at myself. I just see this broken human whom I no longer recognise. All for your five mins.

What confuses me is you kept going, even after me saying no. You kept going as the tears rolled down my face. You didn’t stop. You pinned me down and told me to be quite. I couldn’t move. This is when I just froze. I said nothing. I just let the tears roll down. Looking back I know I couldn’t of done more. If I had struggled anymore you could of caused me so much more physical damage that what I have.

You got to walk away completely free and I’m still picking up the pieces. Not only for all the physical stuff but mentally too. I completely crumbled. I cried so much for weeks after. Still do from time to time. I pushed two of the most important women in my life so far out. I lost trust with them. I was completely alone, with no one to turn to. Because, I feared everyone and everything so much.

I thought this was going to be the thing that finally tipped me over the edge. I was completely wholeheartedly fucking done with life and all it’s bloody curve balls and endless shite. To be completely honest with you, I’m not even sure how I’m still alive. Must be a fucking miracle. I was ready. I had everything in order. Sleepless nights gave me the time to plan and write all the letters. Get everything I needed to complete my plan. But, I’m still here.

I get nightmares every night of what you did. I wake up in panic and hyperventilating as my heart pounds.

I’m paranoid I’ll see you around and fear what you’ll say and do to me. I’m constantly scared of you. I don’t know if that was the intention but, that’s what you caused.

I spoke to the police. After lots of research in the process and things, I decided there’s no point trying to prosecution as the success rate is 7%. Personally, I don’t want to go through it all again. I don’t want to sit in a court and listen to your lies of complete and utter bullshit. I don’t want to ever see you again and I truly hope karma hits you so hard, so I don’t have to. I have spent hourS and hours thinking of what to do, how to do it. Which always resulted in me just wanting to move forward and not look back. The only reason I’m writing this is because this blog is my journey and unfortunately this was apart of that.

My relationship took a battering but we have stayed strong. I can’t lie and say it was easy for either of us. She took it tough and was my rock the whole time. She listened and was patience with me. Without her, I’d be lost.

You’ll never know to the extent of what you did to me on so many different levels.

However, because you I don’t take shit anymore. I won’t be held back, I won’t be quite and I will never be a Victim.

I’m a survivor!

Thanks for reading another chapter of my life.

Hope if anyone is struggling with today’s topic or with anything. I am always here, I have time for you, I care and I will always listen.

All the best and much love, M x

My experience of BPD

Hey, so I was conflicted whether to write about this or not. Don’t want to seem like I’m whining. However, it’s my blog and you don’t have to read it if you don’t want to.

Just a shout out to all those who do relentlessly support me. Not only my family but the community that is accumulating on here and my instagram account! It honestly means a lot. Not just for the numbers and support but the fact that so many of you have reached out to say my words are relatable to you. Making you feel less alone. I’m forever grateful for every single one of ya! Much love to the “BE…” community. ❤️

Now the soppy shits out the way for now. Down to the nitty gritty.

My BPD journey-

I got diagnosed in November 2018. I tell you what. Holy shit. It hit me like a storm. I wasn’t expecting it. I didn’t know what it really was. I was confused about me, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I lost so much confidence, not that I had much to start with. It caused a whirlwind of problems and emotions. I was confused, hurt, scared, lost, vulnerable, angry (so very angry) and so many more. I lost my way big time. I was in denial for months. Lost the will to keep going. After a few attempts to kill my self. A couple of trips to hospital. Changing medication. I can safely say I’m more stable nearly a year later. But no where near what I aim to be.

I had a therapist for 4 hour session over 4 weeks. Erm, that ended tits up. We clashed a lot. He broken me more and more with each week. I know that’s all part of the process but this wasn’t like any other. It Awful. I was getting worse and worse as the weeks went by. I hadn’t gotten anywhere but a bad headspace. I was going back to a very dark place with no methods to keep me safe or techniques to calm down when in a bad way. It just wasn’t working. I felt more suicidal and reckless as it went On. It was torcher. But I knew this was the last chance I had for help. He even told me to leave my partner and her family (that I live with and they support me) because he claimed they where toxic for me and bad influences. Holding me back from my full potential. They are my only reason to be here. Without them, if it all disappeared tomorrow the first and last thing I would do is jump. I’m not going to lie, I could of killed him. I was so so so mad. I lost my shit. So, I’ve stopped seeing him. I tell you what. I am better off for doing it.

I see my GP every 2-3 weeks to keep her updated and in the loop. Think it’s more for her to check I’m still alive. Unfortunately I am. But I appreciate her care. I just feel guilty for wasting her time and worrying her with my problems. She’s good to me though. I saw lots of GPS before I found her. All the rest palmed me off and I was loosing hope fast. She was kinda saved me. Pointed me in the right direction. This was when I was going at it all alone. But, not anymore.

I have two very lovely women in my life that deal with my bullshit on the daily. They have rescued me in some of my darkest moments. Kept me alive. Held me together while I’ve been a mess and falling apart. I honestly, hand on heart could say I wouldn’t be who I am or even here without those two ladies. They deal with my illness like troopers! Deal with my shite on the daily. I’m very, very lucky to have such a great support network.

So that’s the past now the present.

It’s still a bit of a rollercoaster. But, that’s the joys of BPD. It’s been a tough year. I’m still here. Not that I thought I would be. Depending on your perspective it’s a good thing. Ask me? No! Everyday is a struggle and it’s draining so very exhausting. Some days are far worse than others. It’s relentless. Some days I beg for a break. Others, I just want to escape and l would go to any length to try and achieve that. I’ve begged and pleaded for them to let me go. Tried to convince them they would be better off without me.

I hate being me. I hate being ill. I hate that I feel I’m never going get better. I hate that I feel I’m a burden to everyone. I hate myself and for getting in a situation where I can’t leave without hurting anyone. I hate the fact that I’m this way and it’s so difficult to fight it. Fight the urge to loose my shite. Not take everything as a personal insult. I feel trapped inside myself.

But that’s bpd all over. It’s a big old emotional roller coaster. One you just can’t get off. One that never stops.

I have so much to say but in one blog might be a overload. So I’ll stop here for today and carry on some other time.

All the best! Message me if need be!

M x

My life right now

Hello! Once again it’s me.

So life update. It’s all shit. But for a blog that’s a little short so I’ll expand…

Start with the basics: jobs, relationship, parents, family, social, physical and mental health.

My job is currently a shambles. I say currently since I starting working there 20 months ago.(With my parents). It’s ridiculously complicated. I’m constantly sacked then re-employed. Which isn’t very stable and not healthy for me. I know I should just bite the bullets and actually leave. I was all ready to do that this time. I applied for new jobs, did the interviews and got offered a job at all of them straight off. So that was pretty cool. However, my parents begged me to say. Saying they couldn’t do it without me ect ect. The usual bullshit. Promised me this that and the other just to encourage me to stay. I’m weak, ok. Don’t judge me, I’m good at doing that myself. Anyways, so that’s fun. It’s not really good for me to stay. I just don’t want to let anyone down. Which I feel I do constantly regardless of how hard I try not to. So work life is shit.

Relationship: now I hope this is in good form. However, two people this week have questioned if we (me and my other half) are ‘solid’. I would love to say we are. But I’m just not sure anymore. It’s tough with working 6-7 days a week. I feel guilty for not being around enough. I love her to bits and I wouldn’t not couldn’t live without her. She’s my world and I’ll always stand by her. Nearly 3 years since we first started dating. Having BPD makes relationships so hard for both parties. But that’s a blog for a different day. So all in all. It’s the less shit of the shit. Just tough with finding a balance between work, social time and together time alone.

Parents&family: now this is the a topic for those that love drama because, I’ve got bucket loads when it comes to my parents. Fuck me what a shit show that is. Never I repeat NEVER work in a family business. The biggest mistake of my life. It’s a nightmare. Ive never had the best relationship with my parents or any of my ‘blood’ family for that matter. I moved out when I was 16. Me and my step clash lots, still do. He abused me emotionally and physically for years. My mum knew about it I’m sure just was to scared to do or say anything to make it stop. So that’s tough. I still haven’t really forgiven them for all the torment they caused in my childhood. But the biological father (name who shall not be said) who I no longer choose to have contact with was the worst of the bunch. Once again, post for a different day. But yet I still work for them. They still have a ‘spell’ over me. I feel guilty for not being the daughter they want. For not choosing the career they wanted me to do. For not being good enough. For being to much like my biological father. Which in no way is a compliment. So that’s shit.

Social: that’s struggle at moment. Finding it hard to get out and be good company. I play netball for a league so that keeps me active. Apart from that I don’t really have any friends and I don’t really get out much. To busy at work to tired to do anything after work.

Physical and mental health: Oh what a nightmare the pair are. I’m on more medication to help me sleep as I keep waking up having panic attacks. I take lots of medication for anxiety and depression. I’m very restless at night and get horrible nightmares. Still have a headache 7days strong. That’s great. Can’t eat regularly as I feel sick af. Just not hungry which is not like me at all. I just feel exhausted always as I’m not getting energy from food or sleep. Mentally, I’ve been better. It’s been a dark few weeks. Just stopped seeing my therapist as he wasn’t a good influence or helpful. So once again on my Own. I find the thought of this extremely scary. I find life extremely hard. I have a lot of suicidal thought and put them in practice often. I’m reckless because I don’t want to be alive anymore. I can’t look forward to the future because I don’t want to be there. I pick fights with the ones I love so they don’t want me anymore and it wouldn’t matter if I was here or not. I feel hopeless and lost a lot. It’s frustrating being me because I don’t want to be. Like everything that’s wrong with me is me. Personality disorder. I’m fucked down to the bone. But, at least i put 100% into everything I guess. So all in all. I’m not so great and I don’t want to be here. But there’s two people who want me to be and I respect and love them and god forbid I do anything to hurt them. No matter how shit it makes my life. How much I struggle I will do my best to make them happy becuase they put up with me and they haven’t given up yet.

So that’s life right now.

M x

Dealing with conflict

I’ve been sat here for a while going over what to write. I’ll start but just end up deleting it. Then I realised I just need to be real. No fancy words, grammar I’ve got no idea how to use and no being something I’m not. I always try to say true to myself at the end of the day I’m the one who’s got to live with it. You know?!

Talking of living, not a fave topic of mine atm. I’m trying really hard to just “get on with it” but that’s a lot harder to do than people make out. Said so easy fucking hard in practice. I don’t know if I’m just pushing everyone out is causing more harm than good or people just stopped caring. Fuck knows. All I know is it feels bloody scary and very lonely.

I’m not good at the whole tension in the air. I’d rather know where I stand than just have silence. Shout at me. I don’t care. At least we would be on the same page. Drives me insane. Literally insane. I’ll start overthinking this whole situation push myself away so I’m no longer missed or needed then poof. Gone.

I planned not to be here anymore. In all honesty. I was done. Packed everything I would need ect. What stopped me. A simple text from the person I need most in crisis (also the person I had a disagreement with) saying “when u home? Xx” three words stopped me in my tracks. I had convinced myself she didn’t care. She didn’t want to know. honestly, I still dont know but I guess I’m here to find out.

Scary part of being suicidal for me is how much and little I care all at the same time. It’s weird. Like I care of the people. I feel that they would be better off without me but I also don’t care about myself, the damage it might cause (when rationally thinking).

How reckless I become. Yeah I’ll just do 100mph plus on a empty road towards trees or walls ect. That endless drinking sounds like fun. ODing is just normal. That it doesn’t even phase me. I’m just like let’s beat the record, let’s push myself to the limit. How little I care for my welfare is what scares people most. But I don’t care. I don’t want to be alive I’m here because you stopped me when I was ready to go so many times. I understand why you did that but it doesn’t mean I forgive you for “saving” me.

Something I’ve been meaning to talk about for a while is how BPD effect how you interpret body language, tone, attitude ect towards you. I get told a lot I’m being “too sensitive” or “over dramatic” what they don’t understand is that’s my illness overthinking what your body language and attitude towards me is. Overanalysing your words. Being hurt by anything negative even if it’s not intended to be hurtful. But instead of getting shitty at me for being hurt you could just listen and try to understand? Everyone is always so quick to judge me. Everyone tells me to calm down when I’m annoyed or upset like it’s no allowed just because of stereotypes in BPD. I just want you to understand I feel things a lot more deeply than any other person would.

Maybe I’m just to difficult to deal with. I’m hard work, it’s exhausting but the plus side for you. You can stop thinking about it. For me it’s 24/7, 365 days a year. It’s fine Because nothing is forever and eventually you will, like everyone else, leave me by myself once again. And that’s fine.

(Sorry for a slightly deeper post this time. It’s real and it’s just how it came out. This is completely unedited and all real)

M x

I wish I could explain

But, I can’t. There isn’t a way for you to see why I no longer want to be alive. Because, you love life. You thrive in life. So why would you ever wish that away.

Well I do. I hate that I wake up every morning. I hate that I’m still here. I’m so unhappy and that’s not because of you. You are enough for me to stay here. Why do you think I’m still here. Fighting everyday, despite how fucking difficult it is. I’m exhausted of fighting in what feels like a losing battle. I feel like every time I take a step forward something happens and it’s like I’m at the start again.

In a way I hope you never understand completely. Because, you can’t unless your in it. I wouldn’t even wish any of this on my worst enemy. However, it feels so lonely with everyone around me not knowing.

I know you think it’s irrational. You get mad at me. I understand why. I know that it’s because your scared. That you have no idea how to cope with me or what to do next. I was never meant to be your burden.

You think I’m dramatic, that I’m overrating. But to me that’s real. That’s how I think. I wish I was better at controlling it. If I was. I guess I wouldn’t be in this mess.

At what point will everything be “ok”. Everyone always tells me it will “get better” “it will be ok” “I will be fine” people promise me that all the time. Then they get to carry on with there day, forgetting about everything I’m going through. I don’t ever get to forget. It’s always there. Relentless. The thoughts, the endless pain, the feelings. When is it going to be OK. truth is nobody knows and there isn’t anything anyone can do. So I’ll just carry on with my life like nothing is happening. I’ll just cry when no one is around. Because crying around you just makes me feel like you can’t help and i feel guilty that I’m a burden. I guess I’ll have to carry on like no one knows because it’s easier for everyone else to pretend like they don’t know and I’ll pretend like I’m fine. Like I’ve always done. Like I’ll always have to do.

I wish I was stronger. That I didn’t need anyone.

I’m sorry for all the failed attempts. For crying in your arms. For not telling you it was getting bad. Ignoring your phone calls to find me. I’m sorry for being around to cause all this trouble. Im sorry I’m in your life. But I love you.

M x

How I cope without any professional help

Well, to be honest with you. Not very well. I get bad weeks which are pretty dark times. I plod on work full time, 6 days a week. I struggle to get up in the mornings to have the energy to keep going. Most days I don’t feel like living anymore. Which is hard. Not only for me but my two biggest supporters. (You know who you are) They see me at my relentless worst. See me when I beg for help or plead to let me go. Pull at all strings to get some any support. I’ve been refused to be seen by one private therapist and quoted £500 for a urgent appointment from another. I can’t get back into the crisis team or community mental health team, through the NHS. Not that they have been much help in the past. I see my GP once or twice a month. She’s been a massive part of my journey. We have shared many a tear and a laugh. But, there isn’t much she can really do. Apart from be a listening ear occasionally.

How I get through a bad day- Several meltdowns, numerous times of saying I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this anymore. Lots of tears. A big hug and a squeeze from a very important lady in my life. Would truly be lost without her! Lots of supportive texts from my loved ones. I get very needy but in small doses. I like to have lots of people around as a safety net. Don’t feel so impulsive if there is others there too. Also, find it a good distraction. Try to sleep as I’m not a very good sleeper. Find things get worse when I’m over tired from work and general life.

I feel pretty alone in my battle most of the time. It’s hard to understand fully what someone is going through if you haven’t been there yourself. I find that having nonprofessional help or future hope of finding some, hard to cope with. I’m worried I’ll be stuck like this forever. I don’t think I’ve got enough fight in me forever. Especially on bad days. So many times I’ve said fuck it, what’s the point. Then I normally go and do something stupid. Then feel guilty for a long time for the hurt I’ve caused to others. I seem to go through stages of guilt and regret. Followed by a I shouldn’t be here. I wish it had worked sort of mentality. The whole concept of still being alive is strange to me. I never thought I would have still been alive to tell the tale today. But here we are. Let’s see how long it lasts…

Me and my Diagnosis.

Hi,

I thought about starting one of these for months. But, I never had the ball to actually set it up. However, here we are!

So, to start off…

I’m 19, from the UK. Female. In a relationship with my beautiful fiancé. Just to clarify, I’m gay. Oh, I tick so many boxes! Diversity!

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD. For those who do not know, I shall explain the joys of borderline personality disorder from my perspective.

Borderline personality disorder better know in the ‘community’ BPD. It’s a disorder that makes you irrational, annoying, paranoid, unstable, abandonment worries, impulsive, reckless, intense mood swings and the list goes on and on and on…

It’s pretty much untreatable with medication (trust I know).

Ridiculously difficult to find a therapist who’s willing to help due to its difficult nature.

And even harder to deal with daily.

I got diagnosed in November 2018. So, not to long ago. It was quite a shock when I got told. Took me a long time to come to terms with the diagnosis I had just been given. Still don’t think, I’m completely at peace with it, to be honest with you. But it’s a part of me, what can I do apart from except this is it. I guess it’s better to have been told than to be in limbo with what is actually wrong with me?

However, when I got told. (While in crisis team take 2) The psychologists was a bit blunt about it all. He sort of dropped this bomb shell, something I had no expectations of being told. Then was like “I’m not going to give you a follow up or anything”. I was in so much shock. I had no idea of what it really was or what to do next. (Still don’t) This was and still is really hard to cope with.

So, that’s a rough image of what is my diagnosis and a brief bit of my background.

Thanks for reading! See you around soon.